gonna try and get a factory job so i can buy an actual pc and stuff.

ever since I popped out the egg sack 1,500 rotations ago, there has been one rule beaten into my brain by every authority figure I've ever known. You all know exactly what rule I'm talking about. It's the only intergalactic law that will get you executed throughout any galaxy. Even if you go to a planet that doesn't have the death penalty, they will put you in a vaporization chamber the second they find out you broke this one rule. Even before you were old enough to create matter out of thin air, you know to stay away from Earth. But most aliens don't know why they need to stay away from Earth. On many planets, if you try and ask why Earth is off limits, the only answer you'll get is why doesn't matter. Just stay away. On some others, you'll be told that getting involved with Earth could lead to the complete and utter destruction of your planet and culture. Pretty ominous, right? It's not like the reason why is some forbidden knowledge that you're not allowed to talk about out loud. It's just a difference in education systems throughout the universe. There's no real reason for earthly studies to be in any standard curriculum. But naturally, these simple explanations aren't enough for a lot of aliens. Teenagers especially, the second they get their saucer license, they beline for Earth, thinking they can sneak past the planetary blockade, and they join the eternal nothingness of space. It's a waste of both extraterrestrial life and premium ride. So, I've decided to share my expertise on the planet to explain why you shouldn't bother trying to invade or even abduct anything from Earth. I spent about 150 years monitoring the planet and scraping information from their rudimentary satellites for a college credit. And see, the interesting thing about the Earth is that the terrain and most of the life on the planet is not a danger to a majority of aliens. The real reason they won't let us invade Earth is the humans.

Now, on the surface, humans don't seem like anything special, even on their own planet. They aren't particularly fast or strong. Their skin is squishy and easy to puncture. They don't even produce any kind of venom. But much like many planets, humans are the dominant life form on Earth because of their intellects and their ability to communicate with one another. And you might think, "Oh, they're like the TOLGRAYS where their amazing minds make up for their physical weaknesses." But honestly, humans being the top dogs on Earth says a lot more about the other life forms on that planet than it does about them. The most powerful weapon at humanity's disposal is the nuclear bomb. Something my kid made for a science fair when he was seven. Believe it or not, humans actually die when they're exposed to uranium. Could you imagine that? I could not live without uranium. I put that shit on everything. Their main means of travel is still reliant on wheels. They have spacecraft, but it can barely leave the ground and often blows up before it can even reach orbit. They've had sentience for 300,000 Earth rotations, and they still kill each other over variance in the color of their skin. And after 300,000 rotations, they're only just now getting to their mandatory AI takes over and the populace needs to revolt arc that every society goes through. They're still stuck on the PS5 for fucks sake. Humanity is primitive to say the least. On paper, the lowest ranking species in the UG, the little green men, could low diff the Earth. So why are we so set on leaving the planet alone? Well, to answer that question, we have to bust out our handydandy multiversal browser. Now, these only became available to the general public relatively recently. So, I'll explain how they work real quick. You tune the device to the specific frequency of whatever universe you want to observe, and you'll have access to any data that's ever been recorded in that universe. A lot of aliens, especially those who never pursued a higher education, have the misconception that there are an infinite number of universes. And that's just simply factually not the case. There is a quantifiably finite number of universes. But there are several main universes that have displayed the concept of alternate universes within the main universe. So conceptually these are alternate universes, but we call them subuniverses because they only deviate from the main that they're attached to. Anyway, there being a finite number of universes means the multiversal browser is a pretty amazing tool. It's led to countless technological advancements because it allows us to gather information or check our research against another universes. And it's also thanks to the multiversal browser that we know to stay away from Earth. For the purposes of today's video, we're going to start by talking about the universe designated as RK03. The big difference between our universe and RK03 lies with the Viltromites. In our universe, the Viltromites are renowned for their generosity. They have free clinics on pretty much every planet. They bring advanced medical technology to lesser developed planets. They deliver food and medicine to war torn solar systems. You'd think with how charitable they are, they're actually in favor of making contact with Earth. But no, they've been against the idea ever since a visiting Viltramite was killed on Earth some 2026 Earth rotations ago. Regardless, the Viltromites of RK03 are nothing like the ones of our own universe. They are, for lack of a more scientific term, planet conquering monsters who feel nothing when they snuff out other life forms because they believe themselves superior to every other being in the universe. Obviously, that's shocking to hear, but it also might be a bit confusing. The Viltromites of our universe aren't pushovers by any means, but there's a fair amount of species ranked above them in the UG. Why wouldn't one of those species put a stop to the Viltro Empire of RK03? Well, that's because the Viltromites in RK03 are some of the most powerful beings in the galaxy through a millennial long eugenics program. It was less of a program and more of a purge. They just killed any baby that couldn't bench three plates the second they came out the womb. So, the Viltromites were an absolute terror on the universe that needed to be stopped at any cost. and the universe fought back, but they really didn't stand a chance until one of the Viltromites made the fatal mistake of trying to conquer Earth. The Viltramite warrior now came to the planet with the intention of bringing it under Viltroms control without much fight. He was far and away the strongest being on Earth. A fact he demonstrated when he eventually killed the mightiest heroes the planet had to offer. So, how is it that in less than 25 rotations after his arrival on Earth, Nolan was fighting against the Viltro Empire, defending not just the Earth, but the rest of the universe, too? Thousands of rotations of programming and dedication to the Empire undone in less than 25. How did the humans of RK03 turn one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy into a weapon to be used against their enemies? Oh, I'll tell you how they did it. They fucked the shit out of them. Nolan took a human mate and wound up betraying his entire species for her. And eventually, it wasn't just Nolan. A lot of the remaining Viltromites wound up turning on their leader, Thrag, because they eventually took human mates, which led to Nolan and his offspring managing to amass enough support to overthrow the Viltro Empire.The worst dictatorship in the universe's history was brought down by human genitalia. Despite the fact that humanity did the universe a service here, that's still a pretty terrifying thought because it's not like brainwashing. We have anti-brainwashing technology. This is a complete betrayal of your home world. A total ideological conversion. Naturally, you see that and you have to think, what if the wrong human has sex with the wrong alien? Based on human history and what they post online, a majority of humanity is the quote unquote wrong human. What if one of them managed to bag a celestial sapiion? Now, I know what you're thinking because my species has developed mind reading. You're thinking, "Some glar Zastille, this seems like a bit of an overreaction for just one universe." And it's precisely because I predicted that line of thinking that I have several more examples. Let's talk about universe CB88. CB88 is a universe much like our own. The only real difference between the two universes is that in CB88, Bubbles Blinky never founded the Augusta Protection Alliance. I should probably elaborate on that because to the uninformed alien, that sounds like a bunch of nonsense. See, there's this planet that is both scientifically and affectionately referred to as Clown Town. And the dominant species on this planet is, you guessed it, the clowns. They are not everyone's cup of tea. They're quite a smart species and genius inventors, but it's almost impossible to get a clown to take something seriously. They're generally seen as hooligans or delinquents because anytime a group of clowns visits another planet, the law usually has to get involved. Even though the clowns usually don't have ill intentions, they just overcommit to the bit. They're a carnivorous species and on their planet their main food source is the Agugust. However, at one point the Agugust became endangered due to over hunting by the clowns and poachers from other planets. But thankfully one clown, the affforementioned Bubbles Blinky, took the threat seriously and formed an alliance with several other surrounding planets. So the interplanetary branch of the alliance was able to almost completely stop all Augugust poaching. And on the planet side of things, Bubbles Blinky worked with lawmakers and scientists to devise a much more sustainable means of keeping the population fed without decimating the agugust population. But in CB88, this alliance was never founded and thus the clown's main food source went extinct. I'm not going to dive into all the ramifications of that cuz quite frankly, I just don't have time. But one of the ramifications was that a fair amount of clowns became poachers themselves. And they travel from planet to planet, illegally capturing wildlife to bring it back to clown town for food or for profit. And one such group led by a Captain Jojo decided to make a play for Earth. And not a single member of Captain Jojo's circus survived. Now, the clowns aren't exactly heavy hitters in the UG. They're really more of a knowledge check than anything, but their technology and near invulnerability would still mean the humans don't stand a chance. And for the most part, they didn't. According to data gleamed from scanning the wreckage of the clown's big top, the invasion went off without a hitch. They had successfully captured an entire human town. But the beginning of the end came when four human intruders snuck their way into the big top. Almost immediately after they breached the perimeter, the intruders were discovered by the only two female clowns in Jojo's circus, Daisy and Rosebud. Daisy and Rosebud managed to separate the intruders. But the thing is, all four of the intruders were male. So instead of raising the alarm or killing the two humans they had managed to capture, the clown women were seduced and promptly, let's say, satisfied. Following that, the two humans were able to reconvene with their team and successfully destroy the entire ship and all clowns aboard. This is an example showing that it isn't just dumb alien men falling for human women. You alien ladies are just as susceptible. Now, let's move on to the next universe. AT84. AT84 is drastically different from our universe. There are a lot more provable deities in this universe than in ours. There's also an undeniable and oddly bureaucratic afterlife. AT84 also has some of the most dangerous humans of any universe. The majority of them are just as weak as your regular humans. But there are a few that have physical planet destroying capabilities, and even fewer of them have intellects that will rival some alien species. A lot of the information in this segment comes from an organization of time travelers.However, despite a select few humans being more impressive than the average, these few humans are still absolutely dwarfed by several alien species. One such species, and pretty much the only one we have in common with AT84, is the Saiyans. Now, in our universe, Saiyans are a species that pride themselves on their art. There are society of poets, actors, musicians. Quick sidebar, if you ever get a chance to see the true freaks perform live, absolutely take it. The demon Broly is the most legendary rocker of our time, and getting to hear Bathe in Your Blood live was one of the greatest moments of my life. But despite the fact that the Saoyans exist in both of these universes, you can pretty much forget everything you know about our Saiyan. The Saiyans of 1884 were not the lovable, pacifistic slackers of our universe. They were a warrior race, planet conquerors like the Viltromites, but instead of doing it for the personal glory of their planet, they did it for money. They were essentially a vicious worldwide band of mercenaries. Thing is, when you make your living by going around destroying other societies, nobody feels that bad for you when somebody else inevitably blows your whole planet up. According to the records kept by this time patrol, less than 10 Saiyans survived the destruction of their home world, planet Vegeta. Two of these survivors were a low-level warrior named Kakarat and the prince of the Saiyans, Vegeta. If you were wondering whether or not the Saiyans still do the fucking vegetable name gimmick in this other universe, there you go. Kakarat and Vegeta have grown to become some of the strongest beings in not just their universe, but in any universe, not counting godlike entities and literal gods. There are very few mortals that stack up to Kakarot and Vegeta. You know, fun fact, me and the other guys, they used to monitor the Earth and monitor the alternate Earths. anytime we would find somebody really strong in another universe, we would have this debate like, do we think they could beat Kakarot? And let me tell you, we almost never got a unanimous agreement on any of those debates. So, that should put into perspective just the crazy amount of power that we're talking about here. And yet, Kakarot and Vegeta live on Earth peacefully. They are from a race of conquerors, but most of Earth doesn't even know they exist. And as you can probably guess based on the general theme of this video, it's because they both have human wives. Kakarat's wife, despite not being one of the few humans capable of destroying the planet, is the only person that Kakarot has ever been afraid of. And the prince of all the Saiyans, Vegeta, is so completely subservient to his human wife, he may as well be wearing a collar and a leash. These are two of the strongest beings in any universe. two individuals who regularly spar with gods and yet neither of them can even come close to beating human pussy. Now, it's at this point you may look at the previous three examples and say, "Sure, they're powerful, but they all come from species that actually have sex." Obviously, they could be beaten through sex appeal. Why can't an asexual species invade the Earth? The answer to that question is very simple. It's because they're not safe either. Let me tell you about Universe RS13.Stumbling upon RS13 or deliberately checking up on it after you've already looked at a bunch of different universes using the browser is a bit of a jump scare. I mentioned that the browser lets you check any data that's ever been recorded, which usually means when you first check into a universe, you are greeted by a ton of information from a ton of different planets. If we didn't have control F, it would take forever to find the information you're looking for. But when you tune into RS13, there are a grand total of two histories. There's the Earth history, which isn't anything to write home about, but there's some interesting stuff in there. The planet's pretty geographically different from the norm. And then there's the history of Home World, a planet in RS13 that serves as the origin point of...I don't really want to call them a species. It's not quite accurate to call them a life form. In the universe, they're called gems. And technically speaking, that's exactly what they are, but it'd be a lot more complicated to give your wife one of these gems for her birthday because they're sentient and capable of projecting a body made out of hard light. Since these bodies aren't technically real, they can shapeshift to change their form at will. They don't need to eat, sleep, and if you were to cut their heads off, it wouldn't destroy them. Damaging the projected body will only temporarily disable the gem while they reconstitute their form. You have to completely shatter the gem itself to stop one of these things for good. So already they're a nearly unkillable fighting force that never needs to stop to rest or even take care of its soldiers. On top of everything else, they're rocks. They don't age. Meaning, even if your planet was capable of putting up a fight against them, they could always just beat you out through attrition. But I'll tell you right now, there is only one instance in their entire history where the gems ever encountered true conflict. It's unclear just how long these things have existed in RS13. It's unclear how they even came to be. But what is clear is that they've been around doing what they do for long enough that no planet has ever had a chance to evolve to a point that they can contest the gems. What the gems do, all they exist to do is to make more gems. To create more gems, they need geological material. The process through which they harvest these materials and create more gems saps the life force out of the surrounding area to the point that nothing can survive there. When one part of the planet can no longer produce gems, they move on to the next one. And the entire time they're choking the life out of the planet, they're also terraforming it to their liking until they eventually reach the end result of a completely dead planet with an entirely artificial world built on top of it. And then they move on to the next, not for food or resources, riches, or freedom. Expansion for the sake of expansion. Say what you want about other colonizers throughout intergalactic history, at least they need or at least want the stuff that the place they're invading has, the gems don't want anything except more. Like a virus that isn't relying on carriers, running rampant through the universe, killing everything in its path. never encountering any kind of roadblock or resistance until they reach the planet Earth where for the first time ever the Gem Empire's expansion is stopped in its tracks where the Gem Empire fights in and loses its first ever war and this irredeemable scourge on the universe is repelled all because one gem got some human dick. According to both home world history and the recording we scraped from that home world ship earlier, a rose quartz, a warrior drone, went rogue, snuck away from work during the colonization of Earth, met some primitive humans, fucked them, then decided to lead an entire rebellion against the Gem Empire, which ultimately culminated in Rose Quartz completely destroying Pink Diamond, one of the four leaders of the Empire, which led Home World to retreat from its colonization of Earth. the most powerful and advanced society in the universe defeated because one member of that society took back shots from a human. And it wasn't even a good human. These fuckers were primitive. They barely had a grasp on agriculture. They had nothing close to ASUBAH indoor plummet. He probably fucking stunk. But he laid it down so heavy he convinced a member of a much more powerful asexual species to spend the rest of her eternal life protecting the earth. Craziest thing about the whole situation is I went to Earth's history. They never built a statue for this guy. Just absolutely bonkers. Now, I know what you're thinking at this point because my species developed the ability to read mine some time ago. Some glarpie. These gems may be asexual, but they also look enough like humans that it makes sense that a human would try and have sex with one. My species is both asexual and completely nonhumanoid.Surely, we could invade the Earth with no issue. On paper, sure. In practice, let's talk about xenomorphs for a minute.

I don't have to tell you much about xenomorph. Some of the nastiest little fuckers you could ever deal with. I would rather try and buy a saucer from a Melmakian ship dealer than have a xenomorph infestation. First things first, they're fucking filthy. They slobber everywhere. They tunnel into your walls. They goop up everything. You can't even kill one without staining your carpet. Having xenomorphs is just a really mentally taxing situation. Even once you get the exterminator out and you swear you've gotten rid of all of them, you'll still sometimes like see them out the corner of your eye even though they're not actually there. I actually have a buddy like when he was a juvenile, he took his ZOG out to the backyard to, you know, let it go to the bathroom and all. And a xenomorph like tunnneled from underneath the neighbor's force field and killed his zog. You know, his neighbor was like a real piece of work. Didn't take care of the house at all. So, there were a ton of pests over there. So, my buddy's dad like went next door and took all the guy's bones out. With xenomorphs, there's also the element that like they range in how dangerous they are for each species. So for some species there are just little nuisances, little annoyances, but they are legitimate threats for others. But just generally speaking, nobody is happy to see a xenomorph. You know, for whatever it's worth, they're a delicacy on some planets. Though some Garp ZB fact, I have actually tried xenomorph. A bunch of other aliens told me that like, oh, that corrosive blood really gives it a nice tang, but it didn't agree with either of my stomachs. But my boyfriend, Zeri, absolutely swears by face hugger Sulaki.

This is my boyfriend, Zeri. He's a pretty good alien. The point I'm trying to make is that no matter how dangerous they are to you personally, nobody wants to be near a xenomorph. Nobody wants a xenomorph anywhere on their planet. Now, on some versions of Earth, the humans are the same. On a lot of other versions of Earth, they fuck them. That's right. A fair amount of humans across the multiverse crack xenomorphs. The same creatures that got you running for the spray can got the humans licking their lips. Like in all my time monitoring Earth, it is astounding how often I came across human and xenomorph pornography. Obviously, I can't show any of that. But just trust me, it's out there. Listen, I'm a pretty open-minded guy. I try not to judge. You know, you you like whatever you like, you feel however you feel. All right? But the amount of humans who see a xenomorph queen and their first thought isn't fear or panic, it's godamn, she's thick as fuck is actually disgusting. Like I am 100% on board with keeping these primates in the dark forever. Do not ever let them know other life forms exist out there. Like that's just what's best for the universe, but it's also kind of what's best for them. Like if we were to make contact with Earth, it would be disastrous. They'd be out there. They'd be fucking everything. They'd get a bunch of allies and they would inevitably make a play for power in the universe. And you know, who knows how that would go. Maybe they get wiped out for it. Maybe they wind up conquering the whole universe. But one thing I can say would happen with absolute certainty, humans are going to unlock an entire universe of other species to have sex with. And all of them are going to be worse than just having sex with another human. And that is tragic. Like, why even leave the planet? But with all that being said, I hope this helped you understand why we need to stay away from Earth. I got kind of a spotty connection where I'm at right now, so it's just taking a while to upload. Uh, I really hope it doesn't wind up on some website other than zoopyjowu. Like, it bounces off of satellites in a way that it winds up on some random website on some random planet. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Using powerpoint to make a channel introduction for later

I just added my instagram and my VOD channel to my links in the sidebar!! Now you can stalk me better.

so i think with the binding of isaac even though i dont really like the game and think its boring, its kind of replacing buckshot roulette for me where its what ill load up now when im thinking or planning and dont want to play anything important. it doesnt really take up any brain power you know. i can really zone out and just think about something else.

gosh hes so awesomesauce

new laptop update makes me use a "passkey" for everything, i have to scan a qr code with my phone and verify myself before absolutely everything now. i was hoping i could use this laptop whenever my phone is charging so this is really annoying.

first post! i don't know what to blog about, though...i kinda suck at coming up with things to write. i been playing Cult of The Lamb on the hardest difficulty lately, its good to throw on when i have nothing to do. And its something I can play off stream. Uhhh, join the discord and tell me what else to post about!!